Tired

So tired today.  And everyday for awhile now.  I promised myself I would get back to blogging in the new year but here it is January 12 and it has been weeks since I posted anything.  I wanted my writing to be witty or informative, or entertaining at the very least.  Can't find the words for that right now.

Barney isn't sleeping well.  He wakes up at dark o'thirty so disregulated that if I do not leap out of bed at the first sound of his voice, disaster strikes.  In a matter of seconds he turns on the blindingly bright hall light.  He heads first to his brother's room where he pulls off all Henry's blankets then dismantles every surface and shelf in one fell swoop: stuffed animals, books, Lego creations, school projects and anything else in his path. Henry understandably yells at him.  Not only has he been rudely awakened from a deep sleep  but he is now freezing.  We keep our house at 60 degrees over night and Barney wakes up well before the morning heat comes on.

Barney's next stop is our bed.  He does not want anything to do with his father.  He wants "MOMMY ONLY". He doesn't snuggle but lies on top of me and kicks or bangs his arms keeping his body in motion at all times.  I try to hold him, give him the deep pressure he so badly craves but nothing is enough.  If I loose my patience with him he leaps up and tears apart our bed, then runs screaming down the hall.  He knows full well that he has enraged his father which terrifies him, but he cannot stop himself. He runs into his own room, slams the door, and rips apart his bedroom.  When furniture hits the door no matter how little sleep I have had, I have no choice but to get up. It could be 6:30 or 6:00 or 5:30 or 5:00.  Its always my job.

That's why I force myself to get up when I first hear him.  And that's why I'm so tired I can't think straight.