Reality Sets In

I've been MIA from this blog for awhile.  While on the phone with my Mom this morning I realized that I have not been sharing the happenings in our family with anyone lately.  I don't honestly know how many of my friends/family even read my blog but it feels easier to write about it here and let the pieces fall as they will.

Barney has been in a Psychiatric Hospital since April 18th. He's in the day program so he comes home every afternoon and sleeps in his own bed but its a lock-down unit none-the-less. Not exactly information that you want to shout from the rooftops. I've been traumatized, embarrassed and overwhelmed by the whole thing.  The poor kid spent his 8th birthday there!  Mommy guilt galore....

My immediate family is aware. A few close friends who do not live in town were told, but I did not reach out. Once again I have isolated myself in my darkest hours.  Not the healthiest response but I pull inside myself when the going gets tough.

We have a huge meeting with Barney's school tomorrow morning. It is school anxiety which landed him in the hospital to begin with.  Not really looking forward to this meeting.  The Hospital does not want to keep him as an inpatient long-term, which is a good thing but I am not confident in the school's ability to keep him relaxed and feeling safe which is imperative to his successful re-entry.

Barney has not been in school at all since April 13th.  He was pulled out of school due to medical necessity on March 19th and returned for half-days between March 26-April 13. We desperately need the school system to admit that they are not equipped to deal with him. The reality is that we live in the wrong area.  The closest appropriate private placement is over 70 miles away. I have no idea how this is going to resolve but I am scared for my kid!!!

Tired

So tired today.  And everyday for awhile now.  I promised myself I would get back to blogging in the new year but here it is January 12 and it has been weeks since I posted anything.  I wanted my writing to be witty or informative, or entertaining at the very least.  Can't find the words for that right now.

Barney isn't sleeping well.  He wakes up at dark o'thirty so disregulated that if I do not leap out of bed at the first sound of his voice, disaster strikes.  In a matter of seconds he turns on the blindingly bright hall light.  He heads first to his brother's room where he pulls off all Henry's blankets then dismantles every surface and shelf in one fell swoop: stuffed animals, books, Lego creations, school projects and anything else in his path. Henry understandably yells at him.  Not only has he been rudely awakened from a deep sleep  but he is now freezing.  We keep our house at 60 degrees over night and Barney wakes up well before the morning heat comes on.

Barney's next stop is our bed.  He does not want anything to do with his father.  He wants "MOMMY ONLY". He doesn't snuggle but lies on top of me and kicks or bangs his arms keeping his body in motion at all times.  I try to hold him, give him the deep pressure he so badly craves but nothing is enough.  If I loose my patience with him he leaps up and tears apart our bed, then runs screaming down the hall.  He knows full well that he has enraged his father which terrifies him, but he cannot stop himself. He runs into his own room, slams the door, and rips apart his bedroom.  When furniture hits the door no matter how little sleep I have had, I have no choice but to get up. It could be 6:30 or 6:00 or 5:30 or 5:00.  Its always my job.

That's why I force myself to get up when I first hear him.  And that's why I'm so tired I can't think straight.